To people who’ll never know #06

August 24th, 2008

Department of oncological diseases

“Why don’t they just write: “Ward of cancer”, he murmured opening the door.
I was staring at the people.
Once in my childhood I was reading some tale. The Reaper came to some human and said him to follow her. She showed him a room full of candles. Every man’s candle was showing how long he will live. That human’s candle was almost burnt out, smouldering. He asked the Reaper to fire it. The Reaper took it and dropped it ‘by a mistake’. The human died.
All people laying here were seeing their candles. Or almost understood. Doctors weren’t shortening them with their innacurarte hypothesis.

His brother was laying in the bed. Little like a chicken, pale and bald. Their father was sitting nearby. When he looked at me I was how he is tired. Hair grizzled, but face young.
Maybe my father grizzled too, if I had… oncological disease.
He gave me his hand and I gave him a light press. I couldn’t do different. Shake his hand actively and scream “Ha! Your son is dying soon”
We sat on two chairs. I was looking into his brother’s face. He was sleeping. I couldn’t be.
In that encirclement of needles and drips. How much does he have to endure. How much they all have to indure.

“Now you see,” he said when we were going from the hospital.
I nodded.
“Why do I have to live? Neverthless you will die. You’re gonna left nothing after you. Especially, if you die young. Ten years old”
I was listening him silently. I was thinking what to add.
“Ninety percent of everything consists of crap”
“Live in other ten percent,” I said.
“Why? Hide behind a mask and pretend that everything’s okay?”
“Then don’t hide. Live your life.
“That’s the reason I want to kill myself. Because I can’t live my life. Because others think that I’m selfish”
“Don’t care what others say. They are not you. Just you can decide what you don’t like”
“I don’t understand the world,” he said after a minute. “And life too”
“Nobody understands the life. Doesn’t know what it is”
“Life is a sexually transmited disease”
“If you don‘t have what to live for”
“I don’t”
“How old are you – eighty? Does every dear to you person has died?”
“I don’t have that dear to me people. Soon I won’t have any.”
“Then find! You can’t have let your life pass by and not even move”
Maybe it was bad to talk such things with suicidal person. But I hated people who just sit and do nothing when everything happens under their nose. And I didn’t want to watch one more person filling their ranks.
“I want some chocolate”
I decided that this is an improvement.