To people who’ll never know #01

July 2nd, 2008

Today I wanted to commit suicide.

I woke up early and slipped away from home. Parents didn’t wake up.
It was warm, still dark. Three hours in the morning. Everyone is still sleeping. I’m walking down the street and thinking about headlines of tomorrow’s papers. “Demented teenager jumps off the roof of a multistory”. Or something like that. The most important thing – photos and sensational article will point up, how I’m demented/crazy/insane/sick/inmate and psycho. This thing.
Nobody has ever understood me. It started in my babyhood. I learnt to speak late. When I wanted piggy, they bought me a giraffe. I couldn’t stand giraffes. Now some of them were in my class. Well, not really ‘giraffes’. But tall and horned.
People never understand those who are different from them. I don’t understand giraffes – they don’t understand me. I don’t understand, how people could live without soul (or that stuff), they don’t understand, how can I be so arrogant/smug/egoistic and don’t listen to others. I do what I want. I’m my own God. I dream all the time, sleep after lunch, at nights stare to the moon and wonder, if there are others. Others like me.
While dreaming I reached the multistory. I knew that lock, which saved doors to the roof, was broken. Ha ha, my Stairway to Heaven. If I came here later, there would be a lot of people. Police. Now there would just be a rissole on a street. Thoughts of a Dying Atheist. If there was a movie, they could start playing that song.
It scares the hell out of me
And the end is all I can see
The end is all I can see. Light in the end of a tunnel comes from a table “Dead end”. I could have known that this swimming against the current will lead me nowhere. Swimming against the current is tiring. At the end – anyway, you are not noticed.
I was thinking about my favorite band Muse. When did I start listening them? Not much ago. Six months before, or so. Firstly I liked their name. Like fly [fly in Lithuanian Musė]. But not fly, muse. I knew, that there are notices in their songs. Messages. But I didn’t know any of them. I liked their songs. Good to listen when all your life you want to sink in a toilet. They didn’t make shit like other bands.
Your time is running out
Your time is running out, –
Matthew was singing in my head. What voice. What talent. How beautifully he plays guitar. I could give everything to be able to do something like he does.
Ninth floor. Stairs to my Heaven. Heaven is dark. Still dark. Maybe I should have waited till it was blue like Matthew’s eyes. But too much people, too much attention.
I am not afraid of heights. I never was. I am looking down. How calm everything is.
I close my eyes…