To people who’ll never know #02

July 3rd, 2008

Today I found my heaven.

What was I thinking, when I wanted to jump? It’s good to live. Live not for others. Live for yourself.
I was standing on the roof with my eyes closed. Then I remembered Butterflies and Hurricanes. Nice name for a song.
Best, you’ve got to be the best
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now…

August 5th, 2008

I started walking like this every morning. I wake up at 3 a.m. or 4, and swan around till 6. Then I come home and sleep till about 8. Parents go to work late. Good. Nobody pays attention.
It was simple morning of swanning around. I was kicking twisted cans of cider and beer. After Fridays there were a lot of them.
I couldn’t stand alcohol. Earlier, just when I saw people drinking it, I said to myself: “Alcohol kills brains”. Now I know more. I wanted to be a medic. I read a lot of that medicine stuff.
Something caught my eye. I looked up. There was someone’s figure on the roof. First I thought it was haunting me. That I see myself. The one standing on the roof had long dark hair and was dressed in black. Also, ‘it’ had a denim jacket. I didn’t have that.
I was standing there, down, and looking at the figure over me. Something dropped on my arm. I thought it was rain. But rain isn’t red colored.
The same multistore I wanted to jump off then.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want that figure to jump off. I didn’t want to watch suicide.
I didn’t want someone to see my suicide, so I went early then.
Suicide is not pretty. A lot of pain. I didn’t believe in spirits, but sometimes… Old abandoned hospitals were giving me the creeps. People die in hospitals. Suffer pain. There is many bad energy. Spirits…
I saw that I’m climbing on the stairs. I didn’t know which floor was it. Through the window I saw that I’m far away from ground. Suicide is stupid. Just a weak could kill himself. I didn’t have close friends who could say if my will became stronger after that… event.
“Don’t jump,” I asked figure in the front of me.
The figure turned to me. I saw that this is a boy. Same age as I was.
“Why?” he asked in sad voice.
“Life is fucked up, but not as bad that you could leave it now”
“Why do you think so?”
“I was here by myself. A month ago. I wanted to jump off”
“So why didn’t you jump off?”
“Because life couldn’t break me down”
“So, he broke me down”
“No man is weak enough to give up”
He receded from the edge of the roof.
“Prove it,” he said.
“Not straightly now”
“How much time do you need?”
“A month”
A couple of months before I wouldn’t have been so sure. Now I hesitated rarely.
“Okay,” he said. “When will we start?”