To people who’ll never know #08

August 28th, 2008, midnight

“Why didn’t you come yesterday?”
I saw that he was crying. I felt ashamed and guilty at one time.
“I thought you wanted to be alone”
“NO, I DIDN’T WANT to be alone! I wanted to confide to someone. What should I have done, when all night you didn’t appear?
I felt tears in my eyes. I was just a pig. I wasn’t here when he needed me.
I wanted top curl up and die.
But… maybe not. I couldn’t forgive myself if I disappeared when he needed me. It’s better to stand here and listen how he is shouting on me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered swallowing my tears.
Then he hugged me and didn’t let go. For a very long moment.

August 29th, 2008

He needed me.
That thought gave me so much energy that I cleaned all the house. Maybe I could have done more, but it was nothing else to do.
The fact that some days after I’ll have to go to school didn’t stop me. That you can’t trust in suicidals too.

Midnight

“I brought some chocolate”
“Thanks. I haven’t eaten in a long time”
“Chocolate?”
“Anything. I think I’ll starve o death”
“You won’t”

“Do you know how I’m feeling now?”
“How?”
“Calm. Like… like something has happened what I was waiting for. Don’t think that I didn’t love him… But today I understood that I had already said goodbye to him. I started from that moment when I found out that he’s sick. I was preparing for that he won’t be long. Now I am calm. I can sleep. I can eat. The life continues. The past doesn’t have to disturb the future”
I nodded because I didn’t have anything to say.

It‘s hard to bring you on your shoulders and like I you wanted to escape from yourself…

August 31st, 2008

“Today were his funerals”
Question “How was it?” didn’t fit here, but he didn’t need encouraging.
“I almost didn’t partake there. I was standing away. Do you think that by doing this I proved that I didn’t love him?
“No”
“All these people… I saw them whispering between each other. I heard that I’m nasty. That I don’t cry and I don’t repeat ”Why him, not me? For what, God?”. But that funeral… They are fake. People make them for themselves, not for dead ones. For their conscience’s sakes. “I cried for one more relative, now others will cry for me”. There came some swarm of chanters, who didn’t even know his name. Also, many uncles and aunts, who almost didn’t know him. All of them paused near the doors to find out my brother’s name. All traditions are warped”
“I know. People do everything for show that others could think of them like of nice people. They follow one who promises to remake the old trim, not the one, who promises to do something new. The one, who promises bright tomorrow, not the one, who promises new changes – unless these changes would influence that perfect tomorrow”
“Where has the consciousness disappeared?”

Muse – Map of Your Head:

To people who’ll never know
Just how purposeless and empty they’ve grown